DRAFT TODAY, POST TOMORROW: Some posts may be in draft status until I (aka procrastinator extraordinaire) get around to posting them.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Mousse and worsening symptoms

Since I had to go to Scottsdale for my doctor appointment, I decided to lunch at Nourish on the way. I didn't really need to eat out, but it's my safest option, I didn't have any more leftovers, and sometimes I get ideas from their menu. I decided to try something different--the corned beef and sweet potato hash. It was pretty good although I don't like the fatty bits. It came with roasted seasonal vegetables, beets and turnips I think. My usual teriyaki rice bowl is still the best thing on their menu.

They had a chocolate mousse on the daily menu so I decided to try it. It was avocado, raw cacao powder, chipotle powder, and coconut nectar. There was a "crumble" on top made of raw cacao powder and almonds. The mousse and the crumble were very good. I'm definitely going to try adding some chipotle powder to my next batch of chocolate "pudding."

Since my last visit with the (assistant at the) endocrinologist office, I've had blood work done three times and had 2 medication adjustments. Today, he said that 125 Synthroid appeared too low and 137 was too high.
He asked about how I was feeling. Even though I have had (sporadically) more energy, I also am tired. I actually think worn out might be a better way to describe it. Until he asked, I thought it was just my brain shutting down on me because my eyes are causing me so much trouble. I will think I'm having glare issues and then realize my eye just isn't working right. The twitching and watering are driving me nutty. And so much hurting. For the longest time I did not have "pain" that they kept asking about; now it seems nearly constant. Describe it? WTH. It's pain. It hurts. The fucking end.

He went to get the doctor. Doc said I shouldn't wear contacts; he said this several times. I asked if it might resolve and he said no. Well, that fucking sucks but I guess I should appreciate his bluntness; at least he's telling me what I need to know.

He also said that the tears I'm generating are salty like crying tears, so they don't help, they aren't oily like the normal eye generates. He wants me to use eye drops every hour and always before the eye gel. He wants me to use the gel every hour when I'm reading (working, etc) and to close my eyes every 5 minutes when I'm watching TV. Wow. That's really damn convenient.

Remember when I was complaining that I feel like I'm losing myself to my diseases? Let's recap how Grave's disease is making my life different from normal:
  • My eyes tear up, making it difficult to see.
  • Tears run from my eyes, making it necessary to have tissues available all the time.
  • I can't wear mascara or eyeliner because I have to wipe it off when I am "crying" or adding eye drops.
  • I have to use eye drops, which pool up in my eyes and run down my face, so I can't wear makeup or blush.
  • I have to use eye gel, after which I can't see for several minutes, so I'm losing a lot of time throughout the day.
  • I can no longer wear contacts, so I've lost my self image. I will never see myself as pretty or sexy again. I'm sure I sound like I'm overreacting, but that is how I feel right now.
  • By wearing glasses, I feel I've lost my ability to "just do it" for lots of things. For example, I have to take my glasses off to get dressed, change clothes, put my hair up. And I don't want to do any of those active things like hiking or agility or exercise because I have these uncomfortable things on my face and I sweat on them and it's gross and I know I'm just complaining but I hate it.
  • I have to stop what I'm doing to clean my glasses because I splashed on them while I'm cooking, washing dishes, giving the dogs water, cleaning house, etc. The best part is when I do clean them and find out my eyes are just fucked and my glasses aren't dirty.
  • I get to wear a super-not-sexy sunglasses clip to reduce my sun squinting/eye watering action. When I get my prescription sunglasses, I will get to change glasses multiple times a day and carry around the pair of glasses I'm not wearing.
  • Let's not forget the $$$ I spent/need to spend on glasses and prescription sunglasses.
  • Of course there is the time (I can never get back) and $ for eye doctor visits.
  • I have a lot of headbands I will never get to wear again (they are impossible to wear with glasses--I used to take them off to wear sunglasses while driving).
The doctor wants me to go back to the eye specialist since I'm having change/pain in my eyes. Oh, fucking goody, more time and money, gone.

He also told the assistant that the lab results aren't showing specific numbers he wanted to see (Tbad or something?) that show Grave's disease levels I think. So I had to have my blood taken before I left.

The gal who took my blood seemed to do fine stung and it kept stinging/hurting. She tried moving it I think (I have trouble looking) because the blood was coming out very slow. That makes me think she didn't get a good stick but I don't know. She said I have a lot of scarring on the vein. Well, shit, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I've had my blood taken at least once a month for about four years, and pretty regularly before that for several years too. I've never had a doctor tell me that was going to be a side effect. Maybe the neurologist who suggested I participate in the drug trial should have mentioned that I'd be ruining my veins. But why would he do that? He thinks thyroid disease is treatable. Dumbass. Anyway, she got a tiny amount and said it would be enough.

They told me to continue my medication until they call with an update and they'll decide then what lab work I need to have done between now and my next three month visit.


  1. Are you saying I've been unsexy for years? Jeesh. Listen to Alanis's "So Unsexy".

    Hey, I look darn sexy while hiking with rx sunglasses on, and you will too. And glasses can be hot, and I think you are hot with yours.

    Also, you can wear headbands, you just need to sit them back on your head further so they don't hit the arms of your glasses. Or boy ones like I have that work well with glasses.

    Waterproof eyeliner and mascara work great, but I understand that whole thing with drops as I'm going through that about 2-3 times an hour right now.

    Bigger purses solve everything. I carry around my sunglasses in their case and switch all the time, it's not hard to get used to. TRUST me.

    Money and time vs. being healthy-ish and alive and LOVED? I think I'll take the latter. And I do love you, sexy beast.

  2. NO! I'm not saying that anyone ELSE (especially you, you cutie) is unsexy with glasses. It's a self-image thing. I was the ugly, plain-Jane girl for all the years I wore glasses. I grew out of it literally at the time I got contacts. (and I was a super cute kid before I got glasses.)

    It would help if I could get them adjusted where I want them. I got my sunglasses and they aren't quite perfect either. Grr. :/

    I am getting used to them though. And I'm wearing eyeliner again but haven't tried to brave the mascara since I was making a mess of my waterproof stuff.