DRAFT TODAY, POST TOMORROW: Some posts may be in draft status until I (aka procrastinator extraordinaire) get around to posting them. All drafts have been published through 2011.

Thursday, October 8, 2015


I realize I have been MIA. I have posted once this year. And that was only a Bible verse. I have a LOT of drafts and photos that may never be posted. The perfectionist in me is not happy about this. At. All. But.

But. Oh, where to start...

My posts became more infrequent and less personal last year as I started changing my story. See, I'm a good southern girl. Marriage is forever; you only leave if he's hitting you or cheating on you. You don't leave for all the other reasons that eventually make you feel less yourself, unimportant, stressed out, out of control, and hopeless. With some help from my sister and a few patient friends who didn't tell me what to do but let me know all the important things that eventually seeped in, I changed my story.

They told me:

My happiness is as important as his. I deserve to be happy. I am worthy. I need to choose me. Love yourself. It's okay to be divorced.

Ooh, deep breath. That last one...it was hard but my sister asked how I felt about her being divorced and then why it was okay for her but not me. Damn, girl. That was what I needed to hear.

But it took me some time. I thought I could make it work. He didn't want to go to counseling. PEOPLE! If your girl or guy asks you about counseling, something is wrong. GO!

I started the new year with bronchitis. I was so sick of being sick. I was tired of getting help that wasn't helpful. I was tired of redacting my blog posts to not offend potential readers who know me IRL. I was tired of relying on my friends for support my spouse did not want to give. I was tired of his jealousy of my friends who were just trying to be there for me as I fell apart.

I decided I would make my number one priority this year my health. I would ask myself "does this support or improve my health?" I wanted to be intentional about focusing on what I could control and (trying to) let the rest go.
Focus via the Behavior Gap

There was an argument. I told him I didn't feel safe in my kitchen due to the "help" I was getting from a family member. He assured me it was my kitchen; I should feel safe. But my food allergies weren't taken seriously. A few days later...

The last straw. Some people who get my allergy issues understand this was indicative of the relationship; others only see this as the last straw. I see it as both. He cut some Velveeta, which of course I can't eat, then wiped the knife on the towel hanging on the front of the sink. The one I use for my hands. And dishes.

I questioned him and he said I should assume the towels are contaminated. Um, then I should NOT feel safe in "my" kitchen. I realized HE was an obstacle to my health.

And I was done. I started looking for a rental. Someone pressured me into scheduling counseling, even if I had to go alone. When I told him, he tried to argue that we didn't need it. He decided to go when I told him we might not need it but I'm moving out.

So he went with me.

It was enlightening. He finally heard me. He said several things that opened my eyes that we were living his life and his dreams and he ignored the things I said, the things I let him know were important, and the things I needed. And it had been this way since our first date. No wonder I was so miserable. (Don't get me wrong--there was a time we were happy. And THAT makes me the saddest of all.)

I moved out. We hired a mediator. (I hate her; don't ask for a recommendation.) He decided to take an out of state transfer for work. (His job wasn't staying here.) We sold our house--his dream house, this overwhelming weight dragging me down. We split the dogs and the stuff, with the only real debate coming from my desire to keep our piano.

While I was looking at how to improve my health, some things happened at work that concerned me. I thought I would tackle getting a new job next year but several opportunities came up and I started a new job.

I'm currently in the process of buying a house; my rental is going to be sold soon so it is time to find my permanent place.

I have worked so hard this year to take this picture of what I want my life to be and make it my reality. I'm creating my bubble.

I will share a little of my bubble with you.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Of good courage

Your verse is:

Deu 31:6

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Infused tequila

The infused vodka (strawberries and vanilla beans in a potato vodka) came out so good that I decided to try a sweet and spicy tequila. I used Hornitos with (unfortunately, frozen) strawberries and (from our garden!) jalepenos.
I wouldn't drink it straight like the vodka but it would *probably* be okay in margaritas or something.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Thunderbird Cholla Trail

We're making the rounds of some different hiking trails. I liked this cactus surrounded by other cacti.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Pineapple Thai chicken

I bought this sauce at the farmer's market. I like all the ingredients except some "natural" stevia.I made it with some chicken and zucchini and rice. It wasn't bad. I would probably eat it or something like it again but I don't think I'd go out of my way to buy the sauce.

Thursday, December 18, 2014


I can't get up. There's a dog pinning me down. I got a lot done today but now I'm exhausted.
"Lying down is a perfectly good position to be in. I quite recommend it."

Monday, December 1, 2014

Last trial visit of 2014

I got matching bandaids for my arms. Lan rarely (I think maybe never) misses but today...well, right, then left. And they both hurt. Not terribly; I didn't cry, but it hurt.

On the eye exam, I got to Line 10 for the right eye but only Line 8 for the left eye. It was so blurry and there was a red line between 8 and 9 that was superimposed on line 9 when he asked me to read it. I. Just. Couldn't. It kind of made me want to fucking bust out crying. Of course, that's not going to help my vision!

Sensation all seemed good. He had me count backwards from 100 while testing my reflexes, since I barely have any. He said I have abdominal reflexes, which most people don't. See, I have it all!

The 500 meter walk took 9 minutes and I think he said my EDDS is 2.5.