Sad

The hardest part of divorce may be losing friends. Of course, some friends have loyalties to the one they knew first. I expected that, although most of his friends and family have kept me on social media. I expect this could be an issue at some point but I don't have a solution yet.

I was most surprised by friends I had, who were not really close friends, who stepped up, supported me and my decision, and really encouraged me to blossom and grow and thrive.

But I am most saddened by the friends I lost over the last year and a half. The ones I kept investing effort into after they started doing or saying shitty things. And then THEY (for the most part) decided we weren't friends anymore.

It makes me feel as though *I* was the shitty friend. But all I did was stand up for myself, or at least not let someone run all over me.

My loving friends remind me that some people have only seen me as this person who does what is expected and takes it, no matter what *it* is. And maybe some people can't be friends with someone who decides to actively pursue happiness. Because that is a person who is not going to put up with your bullshit.

Or maybe they just liked me when I could be miserable with them or entertain them with stories of how miserable my life was.

But each time, I realize that this person, who was my friend for X years, and was with me through certain times, this person has decided my friendship is not important to them. And I want to run after them and say, wait, I can make it work!

But they have already told me that I am not important to them. Through their uncaring petty comments, by missing dates with me, by only seeing me when I reach out--if it's convenient or they don't have better offers, by never inviting me or contacting me, by giving me their big news on social media, by deleting me as a friend from their social media. By supporting my ex, however subtly. My eyes are open; I see you and your actions. Or inactions.

I want to be that person who doesn't care. I don't care enough to be a doormat, or to be on call at someone's whim, for a friend, or to stay married to my ex and his parents. But I care. I understand how these people I loved feel about me.

I am not important.