Mrs. Whites

We went for haircuts and my hairdresser says that my hair IS getting fuller. I thought maybe I was getting better at doing my hair but she is certain that it is filling in. Hell yeah!

 

We were going to meet my grandparents and family for lunch for my grandma's birthday. She was so funny when she called, letting me know they were going to meet at Mrs. White's and "you can eat there, right?" I'm thinking, hell no, I can't eat soul food, what are you thinking, but I just said I'll eat later if I can't.

 

Then I got all crazy and took food but Mick thought I should leave it in the car until I knew if I could eat or not. Well, my grandparents have known the family who owns and operates the restaurant for-frickin-evah. I don't know if that made a difference or not. But they totally accommodated me.

 

I had a chicken fried steak without the chicken fried--so I had steak and onions. I also had black eye peas and beans since all the other sides have flour and/or butter. And don't forget the sweet tea.

Yep, no veggies.


 

There was a little family drama but very...understated. When we got there, only my grandpa's family was there so we sat together. The kids hadn't seen us in a while so it took a while for them to warm up to us, but they did.


I have awesome hair (when a professional does it). I also have rabbit ears.

My cousin told us some interesting thing about how he gets baptized for dead people so they don't go to hell or something like that. I guess it's a Mormon thing. I'm sure I'm misstating it but he got baptized like 30 times one day.

I got baptized once. I was 14. God talked to me; it was like a feeling of peace came over me, which was unbelievable to me after such a tumultuous life.* I was saved by the blood of Christ and baptized in the Baptist Church. Amen.

*(Yes, in case you don't know me IRL or haven't heard anyway, I lived in hell on earth when I was a kid. Fortunately, there were moments of non-hellness which kept me from complete insanity. Escaping in books and looking out for my sister and, later my cousins, helped a lot too. But FML started really early for me. And repeated way too often.)

Anyhoo.

We had a large enough group that we needed at least a couple large tables. So almost everyone came in with my grandparents and sat with them, except my uncle J who came to sit with us. He's always fun to chat with.

Then my grandparents' friends came in so room was made by some people going to another table instead of ours. Most of them never said anything to us.
 

I went out of my way to talk to my aunt P as people started leaving. She made some weird comment about my Facebook being all photos of food.

 

Huh. I had no idea.

 

Because it's not true!

 

I had to check but it's been four months since I posted a food photo and that was when I posted photos of our garden bounty and what I made with it.

 

Whatever.

 

At least she hasn't unfriended me like my other aunt. True story. Can't make this shit up.

 

Later we went to my friend's party. I took food "just in case" and was assured I wouldn't need it. Her house is one of the most likely places I can eat, but they don't live my life so there are some misses. I grabbed like half the guacamole before it got contaminated with bagel chips or whatever those things were. I couldn't eat the soy sauce doused chicken though. I ate plenty throughout the evening so I can't complain. I'm just a PITA. Not a pita chip like they were using in the guacamole. Just a PITA.

Four eyes

new capris and sandals

I was working at home and got the call--my glasses are here. I wore my contacts to drive of course, so I didn't really get to wear them but I'm pretty sure I need an adjustment. Besides my attitude adjustment of course. I cried and cried. I know it's ridiculous, but the years of being called four eyes is just not making me excited about wearing glasses. I will never think I look cute, no matter what anyone says. I'm just totally disheartened to find myself in this place.

and new glasses

Standing Out

I had a quick visit at Hope Research and saw the neurologist this visit too. Dr. M did his usual tests. There were some re-dos for things he doesn't like to see--where my function isn't great, mostly in my left leg and foot. I've been having intermittent numbness in the area. But it's not an exacerbation since it comes and goes!

I read this article and found myself so relating to it, I thought you would be interested. First, the differences. She went to an all-girls school in the south; I went to an almost all-black school in Houston. But...I also had glasses, bad teeth, unfortunate hair, and as she says "committed the sin of getting good grades.... If I wasn't the last girl in the class chosen for sides on a sports team, I was pretty close to it."

I hear all this stuff about bullying and I think there is a bit of a line that parents and teachers need to be careful about. While I agree that bullying shouldn't be tolerated, kids will be cruel about any perceived differences, and that is NOT necessarily bullying. This teasing causes humiliation; I understand parents don't want their kid to be in that position. But that humiliation, those feelings, making it through that experience, that is one of the ways kids learn to be stronger, more independent people. For me, those experiences, being made fun of for my differences, as the author says enabled me to “find my voice.” That is part of growing up, dealing with setbacks, emotions, failure. I hope all the kids I know get to have experiences that help them find their voice and learn to stand out from the crowd.

Overdressed and undertattoed

My grandma has nine children. One of my uncles died last week while in hospice. He was the first of her children to predecease her. I haven't seen my uncle's kids since I was in high school. I remember seeing them at the dairy he worked and at my dad's house.

Yes, that's me holding my cousin, surrounded by cousins, circa 1988.

Three of his four kids are in this photo, along with some other cousins, at my dad's house. After years of hating how I look, I had finally "found" myself. My twin cousin on the left is my opposite.

Anyway. At the memorial, I wore a black sleeveless dress. It is fitted, and I think it shrank a little after I got it but it fits and I got compliments at work. My grandpa made a comment that I immediately forgot but made me feel overdressed. The two young girls in the photo above were also wearing black skirts. Everyone else was completely casual. Jeans, cotton dresses with scooping low necklines, flip flops, lots of tattoos. Well, I thought a black dress was appropriate for a memorial service. What do I know.

I know I want my remains, if any, to be placed someplace with vegetation of some type. The view of the mountains is nice but the barren landscape kind of distracts from the view. Yikes.

"extended family"

Oh, you didn't think that crazy conversation ended when I signed off Facebook the other night, did you?

Her

I didnt put anything in his head, he asks questions and I told him that I IIIIIIIIII had to have done something to push everyone away. I know that you are sick and I am sorry. If I could see you I would but we don't have money to travel to (town) 72 miles away much less 3 states away. I never said it was your fault and I never asked of anything of you. I'm sorry I wanted you to see your nephews, forgive me for being selfish in wanting them to see you since you may die (I'm not stupid my mother in law has the same disease so I know what will happen) before I EVER get to see you

Her

As always everything is my fault. I chose to have kids and should of known that no one would care, b/c they are not yours to have to care for. I didn't realize I was extended family I thought I was your sister but once again I am mistaken. I don't need the visit, i don't want you to come out of pity so don't come at all. We haven't seen each other this long what is waiting until I have the money and means to make to AZ. I don't want you to feel like you have to be in their lives I just thought it would be nice if they knew of the family they had. Once again I'm sorry I asked to see you and bothered you with my petty little life.

Me

I don't understand why you are mad at me for trying to come to visit and asking if you could meet me. How is that at all related to any of this "it's someone's fault" mess you're talking about? I don't understand the "YOUR FAMILY" and "extended family" comments--you are my family and, by definition, your kids are my extended family. I have no pity for you; I never begrudge anyone the choices they make, especially to have children. Just cause they aren't mine doesn't mean I don't care; in fact, it would be nice to get updates every once in a while. I would like to see the boys, but if I don't see them, that doesn't mean I don't care. It seems that you feel that it is my responsibility to see all of my siblings (including the five you don't know) or I'm being selfish. "I told him that I IIIIIIIIII had to have done something to push everyone away" What? Why? Why would you say that? Why would you say that to a kid? Stop trying to find fault with everything I say or do when you know that I am making an effort. And who says petty little life? I'm not the one judging you--you're doing it to yourself. Have some respect for yourself and your life or make changes to be happy. I just want you to be happy and I'm really sorry that my trip planning upset you.

Her

I am mad that would think I would intentionally break my vehicle to sabotage this visit. Also that you would think I talk badly about you or Mike to the boys cause that is not the case.

Me

You have an amazing ability to misunderstand or misread. I did not say anything about you sabotaging anything or intentionally breaking your vehicle--such a thing never occurred to me. You may not be talking badly directly about us but if you say that you pushed everyone away, you are probably giving us a bad association in the kids' minds. (kind of an us vs. them thing.) Just be careful, okay, and stop being mad already.

Her

k

OMG, I may die! I'm trying to be calm and rational. How am I doing? I don't know that it will work out seeing her and her family during our trip and I will be very disappointed. Bummer.

Facebook makes you hate people you already know. Twitter makes you love people you've never met. --Tweeted by Bill Murray

"YOUR FAMILY"

We're trying to schedule this awesome trip to see family this summer; if everything works out, I will get to see nine of my nieces and nephews, several of which I have not met.

So I have asked my relative who lives in a city about five hours drive from where we are actually going, which is about a sixteen hour drive from my house, about visiting during this trip and she seemed open. So I thought I'd firm up some plans, and it was all down hill from there. I asked her: (italics are changed to protect privacy)

If we can only make it out for a few days between dates, when would be best for you?

Her

we no longer have a vehicle, we made 1 payment on our car and the head gaskets are blown. I honestly don't know if we will have a vehicle by then to even get to place.

Me

not promising, but what if we can make it over there?

Her

anytime is fine, i'm not taking classes this summer only tutoring biology

Me

We'll see what we can do.

Her

ok love you, sorry i always get dealt the crap hand, only wish i had known it was a lemon, I sold my truck 2 days before the gaskets blew

Me

Her

are you flying or driving?

Me

flying, not sure if we're renting a car or relying on family yet

Her

well I hope we can see each other, I really want you to meet my sons since you are the only sibling that still communicates with me

I don't know why my decision to have kids was so horrible that every stopped talking to me but i'm used to being the lone wolf, but you have always talked with me even if you didn't agree with the decisions I made in life.

they no of youngest sibling and mom but that's it, so I would really like them to know that they are not hated

Me

well, I can't speak for other brother, but another sister is just terrible at keeping in touch with anyone, don't take it so personally. (I know, easier said than done, but really, I mean it.) It's like me taking it personally that I haven't heard from youngest sibling in 15 years. I guess I could but I think that's all on youngest sibling, not me.

And you can't give the boys some impression that they are hated by people they don't know and don't know them.

Her

I don't give them that impression, son (my oldest) see pictures of our family and ask why no one comes to see them and who everyone is and how come they can't talk on the phone and what I did to make everyone not visit.

Me

Ok, why would he ask what you did to make everyone not visit. people live across the country and have their own lives. It has nothing to do with you or with him.

Her

I haven't heard from another brother since son was 1, he is now 6 going on 7. I had a number for him and left several messages and NEVER received a call back. I understand that we have separate lives and I'm the only one with kids. He just doesn't understand why he is this age and still not met his aunts and uncles on my side. He only has 1 aunt of the baby daddy's side and has met everyone in his family that he knows of (his family is divided like ours many of his relatives refused baby daddy b/c they hated his mother or father depending which side they are from)

Me

My teenage nieces that I'm hopefully going to see in month, I haven't seen the oldest in about 15 years, never seen the youngest. Just saying, that's the way it works with extended family. If he wants to place blame (unusual for a kid his age, but he is related to our mom, so sure, let's go with that) then he can blame you for not moving to where I live. Cause that makes as much sense as saying that not visiting means someone hates a kid.

I didn't see any of my aunts and uncles until I was a teenager either. That doesn't mean they don't love me, it means they didn't go to where I grew up cause they didn't live there or have any other reason to be there.

Her

you would think you would of be reason enough what more reason do you need

Me

So you don't have a car to get to place, and I shouldn't take that personally (and I don't, but maybe I should), but people are supposed to travel across the country regardless of their life circumstances... got it. I'll pass that on.

I think I'm getting crabby so I'm signing off and going to bed. Love you.

Her

it's not like i'm intentionally not trying to see, I am poor okay fucking poor, we don't have money or even a house. We made a total of 19,000 last year for 4 people to survive on. I'm doing the best that I can with what little I have.

Me

I understand that, but you are judging people without understanding their circumstances. Even if someone is NOT dirt poor, they have to make choices with their time and resources. I have spent most of my time off at medical appointments the last few years so you can give me a fucking break for not being able to visit all of my relatives all over the country. I might actually get to take a vacation this year and I'm going to see family and now I getting grief over not doing it more or sooner. Anyway, it doesn't matter why I haven't, there's no reason that your kids should think it's about them and if they do, they didn't come up with that idea by themselves, so I understand the attitude, but I'm not going to accept it as my fault. I've been getting the blame all my life, so no thanks.

Her

k have fun seeing YOUR FAMILY goodnight

Me

I'm trying to arrange to see everyone so I don't know how to make you feel like I'm only coming to see you, but it sounds like you'd rather not have us visit so you have more to poison your kids against innocent family members. Let me know if you change your mind. Goodnight.

I closed Facebook then so I wouldn't have to see any more of this mini-my mom's drivel. "Oh, woe is me, it's all my fault, everyone hates me, everyone hates my kids, everyone else is crapping on my life." W. T. F. Seriously, I can't make this shit up. This is my favorite part: you would think you would of be reason enough what more reason do you need. Yeah, people living your own lives 3 states away, how were you not traveling across the country to see me while I lived with a crazy person? I'm going to laugh a little every time I think about it.

Shots or side effects, pick your poison. Really, pick your poison.

A post on Facebook asked What are everyone's thoughts on the concept (let's keep this conceptual) of a Once-a-year MS drug? Well, I am on this not-so-conceptual drug, and it was interesting to see how long it took before side effects were considered. Most MSers know that a side effect of some of the newer, potentially more effective treatments is PML, a brain infection that can cause death. The older treatments are the shots we give ourselves. I have scars on my thighs from mine, and they make most people sick, experiencing flu-like symptoms. So even with the most mainstream established treatments, MS patients are expected to make themselves sick for their health. Here's my responses to the post:

I know you want to keep this "conceptual" but I am in the Alemtuzamab trial (new use for chemo drug Compath) and it is an annual infusion. First year 5 days, second year 3 days. Extension trial for 3 years with infusions for exacerbations only. PML ITP is still a side effect, so yeah, trade your shots for death or permanent brain injury. Also, at least one in 4 are getting thyroid disease, "but it's treatable." My endocrinologist (I had to get because I'm the 1 in 4) has never seen such wacky test results. In the past year, I've been hypothyroid, tested positive for Hashimotos, became hyperthyroid, tested positive for Graves, have to see a special eye doctor for that because you can see the whites of my eye above my eyeball (go look at your eyes, I'll wait) and I might need surgery to correct it if the inflammation doesn't go away on it's own after a couple years. I have also developed a ridiculous number of food allergies during the time I've had MS. I was previously on Avonex, then Betaseron. 


on the upside, although I am pretty open about having it, most people are surprised to find out, because I don't look sick. ;) Most commonly I have vision issues (random blurriness mostly), numbness (especially in the fingers and toes, but randomly elsewhere and every couple years from the ribs down) and of course, a lot of fatigue and some holes in the brain issues. I exercise, generally not strenuously, and have been improving my diet over many years--more than I wanted in the past year with the allergies. :) I don't know if the treatments I've gone through changed anything or not. My dad (who I never knew) had MS with serious mobility issues, so I don't know that I would have done anything differently than I did. None of of should regret what we've done--make the best decisions based on the information available at the time, and don't look back!

It was time for my monthly monitoring survey and thought you might like to see what it looks like. I hope you're not eating when you see the photos.

Welcome to your Care-MS^SM Monthly Monitoring Survey. You will be asked some questions about bruising, small spots called petechiae, and bleeding. These can be signs of a low number of platelets in your blood and a bleeding problem called ITP (Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura). At any time, if you have these symptoms, please call your study doctor right away. If you cannot reach your study doctor or staff, contact another doctor right away or go to the Emergency Room.

Each question has a simple "Yes" or "No" answer. Please select the appropriate response for the question. After you have answered all of your questions, click the "Next" button to submit your answers. At the end of the Survey, you will be given the opportunity to review your responses. 

Survey

Q1. The first questions are about bruising. Do you have any of these signs:

Q1.1. Bruising more easily than you normally do?          Yes      No

Q1.2. Bruises that you can't explain?          Yes      No

Q1.3. Blood filled blisters or bruises in your mouth?          Yes      No

Q2. The next question is about petechiae. These are very small, red to purple spots. They can be scattered all over your body or be only in one area. Below are pictures of petechiae (tiny spots) and bruises (ecchymoses) on the ankle and foot.

Q2.1. Do you have any petechiae on your skin or in your mouth?          Yes      No

Reminder: If at any time you have had an unusually bad headache, especially if you also have nausea, vomiting, weakness, confusion or seizures, go to the Emergency Room right away. These symptoms could be from bleeding into the brain.

Q3. The following questions are about bleeding. Do you have:

Q3.1. Blood in your stool (bowel movements)?          Yes      No

Q3.2. Stool that is black and sticky like tar?          Yes      No

Q3.3. Bloody vomit or vomit that looks like coffee grounds?          Yes      No

Q3.4. Bleeding of your gums that is new or hard to stop?          Yes      No

Q3.5. Nose bleeds that are new or hard to stop?          Yes      No

Q3.6. Blood in your urine?          Yes      No

Q3.7. Bleeding that is more difficult to stop than usual?          Yes      No

Q3.8. In the past month, was your period (menstrual bleeding) heavier or longer than usual?          Yes      No

Monthly survey done--all no answers. Life is good, don'tcha think?

Losing my mind. I mean my hair.

I did some time in the garden, cleaning out some overgrown veggies, harvesting tomatoes and swiss chard, and taking a few photos. It was getting hot, for me, so I headed in to work on cleaning my harvest and cleaning house. It was exhausting.

I thought I was losing my mind, but today, I found out that I'm (also?) losing my hair. I called my hairdresser, S, and she said she could get me in for highlights today. She looked at my hair and said there was no way she was putting bleach in it, no highlights. As we talked about it, she asked about my diet, which we have discussed a couple times since this whole allergy thing started. Then I said something about my thyroid and it was like a light bulb came on over her head. Of course, she has seen this thyroid issue with a lot of clients, and she wouldn't suggest any bleaching or highlights until I get my thyroid under control.

She was concerned with how fragile it looked. It is most noticeable in the area I notice my grays coming in so I was reluctant to forego color completely. She asked why I was thinking of going lighter and I explained that I thought the gray would be less noticeable. We looked at the color book and she showed me where I usually am with the darker color, and said I could go across that row for my color, but based on my skin color, she wouldn't suggest I go to another row that had more blond. We agreed on a slightly lighter version of my darker color. She noted that I would probably be lighter on top for a while, that the ends are darker and wouldn't hold the new color well.

We discussed bangs or no bangs as well. I wondered if I would be able to cover up the thinning by either having more bangs or growing out my bangs. She played with my hair a little and said no to both, but mostly to the idea of more bangs as it would make the hair look thinner. We decided to just trim the bangs a little, not as much as usual, in case I want to grow them out after all. But when I pull my hair back, it's very noticeable that my hair is terrible. I told S that I've been terrified for years that I would end up with hair like my mom's. I remember her telling me that she didn't like to cut her hair because it wouldn't grow back out, and it was always, well, it was never very polished or smooth.

I think the hair color turned out pretty well and she said it will improve as it grows and we do another round.

Later, my husband and I were going to go out with a friend, but the plans were very late and we got stuck on the freeway for almost an hour before we decided to turn around and go home. We're just too damn old to be leaving our house at 10 pm to go out to the other side of town. He made drinks for me with a juice I picked up, pineapple coconut, and Malibu rum and cream of coconut. It was like a lovely daiquiri type drink. Yum. Great end to a not so great day. But my hair looks good. If you don't notice it's thinning.

For Celiac Awareness Month, check out this fantastic post on mistakes we make while avoiding gluten.

Easter

We hosted Easter.

I was not feeling well on Easter Eve, so I was up early to prepare food and get ready before Mick's family got there. My MIL brought eggs and candy for the kids to find as well as coloring games and stickers. They all had fun.

After everyone left, I cleaned up the kitchen and retired, exhausted from a day of cooking, cleaning, gardening, playing games, and dealing with my emotions.

Random thoughts

I had meetings during my lunch time so I went to lunch pretty late.  I ate a relatively big, late breakfast of leftover chicken and rice with mole sauce, so I thought I would be okay, but I was a little shaky by the time I could leave for lunch.  I needed to run some errands so I was going to have a can of soup, but my hunger took over and I went to Babbo for roast chicken and veggies.  It's the pesto primavera, but I get it without pesto or cheese, and the mista salad without cheese or croutons.  I've decided the worst part about not eating bread is not giving up sandwiches, but having no yummy soft bread for pushing food onto the fork.  But giving up sandwiches is a close second third.  Cinnamon sugar toast is a close second.

While I was sitting at the bar, eating my lunch, I watched the program on ESPN2, something like number cruncher.  A couple of people stand in front of a screen and discuss something (there's no sound and I wasn't paying attention to the captions) and then drag and drop their numbers or icons into different areas on the screen.  You would think this was really hard!  They (especially the guys) looked like they were having seizures, they had to retry so many times.  Don't these people have computers and phones?  If you're getting paid to do it, maybe you could practice a little off camera.

I see some turnover at the dry cleaner, but some of the girls are there for a while.  As one of them was helping me today, she commented on my weight loss.  As we were talking, she said she is trying to gain weight--she is about 5'3" and 125 pounds but wants to weigh what I weigh--close to 145!  She has been told she's too skinny; I think she should disregard.  She'll gain it as she gets older anyway!

Last night, a lady in my agility class told me that I am too skinny.  When I was talking to my sister, C, the other night, she reminded me that I will have to get used to this again.  I was very, very thin growing up, and didn't reach a "normal" weight until I was in my 20s.  After my car accident, I gained too much weight.  I lost it about ten years ago and was at a great weight again, probably about where I am now.  And then MS and food allergies took me back up the scale.  I think I'm actually at a pretty healthy weight right now.  I could lose some fat and gain some muscle but the weight is fine.  So when the lady said I was too skinny, I admitted that I lost a lot of weight, and then added that I feel so much better, and that I used to be too fat.  She didn't like that at all.  Have we all forgotten what normal looks like?  I WAS too fat and I am NOT too skinny.  Why can't people just say something nice and shut up?

I actually DON'T feel better today.  I'm uncertain if it was yesterday's lunch or last night's dinner, which I had more of this morning.  Grrr.

I got home late and ate leftover pasta while Mick had pizza rolls.  He mentioned that there were thousands of aphids on my lettuce in my garden and that I should be taking care of my garden at least once a week.  Since I AM doing weekly gardening, he said twice a week.  So I made more organic bug spray and went out, with him right behind.  There are more caterpillars on my lettuce, and there were green aphids on my turnip leaves. I sprayed everything but skipped the eggplant since they look fine and there was a ladybug hanging out.  I cut off some cilantro and checked out the broccoli.  Anyway, he thought I was mad but I explained again that I'm not feeling well and I was really looking forward to coming home and doing absolutely nothing.  I accidentally popped my left leg after I ate dinner and, for the first time I can remember, it hurt, like a tingly feeling down my leg almost to the foot.

Once he started playing his hockey video game, I cleaned the kitchen, put the cut cilantro in a vase, and grabbed my dessert and headed to the other room to vegetate.  My computer would not connect to the internet.  I know this happens and what to do but I totally spaced out and freaked out.  I have been dealing with technology issues for about 3 weeks at work and I'm just beat down.  Today's mess was a complete shut down of our system, including the phones while I was supposed to have a phone meeting (fortunately not with a client), and I am still dealing with crazy workarounds for my email.  So I'm sitting at home looking at this mess and crying and my husband is overreacting to my overreacting.  Essentially anytime I am freaking out  crying and he doesn't get it, he starts yelling about who is dying like that's the only reason I am allowed to lose it.  Mmm, Kahlua.

But I looked so good.

I started my blog pretty unceremoniously three years ago.  I'm up to three followers!  If I ever get up-to-date, I'm thinking I should go public.  I'm boring enough that anyone who runs across it will probably keep going rather than stay, but it could be interesting.  And I would be able to search my blog if it were published.  Decisions.

I started my blog as another attempt to keep a journal, a recommendation by Matthew Taylor.  I was seeing him because of terrible pain issues that seemed super random.  I don’t want to live a mediocre life...It's draining.  He helped me cope with the pain and deal with some of my back issues.

Seven years ago, this month, I was numb from the ribcage down to my toes.  I saw a neurologist recommended by my friend.  I bypassed going to a doctor because I thought that I had done something to my back--the last time I had numbness was after my second back surgery.  (The back surgeries were due to a car accident that left me with a fractured spine.)  The neurologist immediately suspected MS, and said a few tests would be done to rule out other issues.  As we all know, every possibility was ruled out and I have MS.  I remember this month every year.  My husband's brother got married in Las Vegas at the Venetian.  I stood up for his wife.  She paid for us to have our hair and makeup done and I looked stunning.  No one could tell that something was wrong with me.  I was numb.  You can't see numbness.

I'm depressing, but not depressed.

I know people who deal with depression and I feel for them; it's a terrible fight.  Somehow, I've always found my way out of the wallowing very quickly.  But last night, I wrote this...

I don't think of myself as a depressed person or someone who suffers from depression.  But I find myself occasionally weeping, silently crying at night.  Thinking about all the times I've wondered why I didn't die in that car accident.  I was supposed to die.  I have suffered indescribable misery since then, increasing trials of my strength.  I just have those moments when I wish I died that day.  So I wouldn't remember the misery before.  And I wouldn't experience the misery after.

But then the moment is gone.  I am blessed.  My struggles make me look for the brightness, the lightheartedness, the good news, the fun times.

And I try to forget those dark places.  Rolling in a truck in the desert.  Unspeakable things in a bathroom, in a boarder's room, in a church--things that should not happen to little girls; the cruel things done by people who are supposed to love a little girl, in a kitchen, a bathroom, on the street.  Guilt for the girl I didn't (couldn't?) help.  And I weep silently in the dark.  And wonder...what if I died that day?