Monitored and all the things

I was going to work at home today, but I needed to go in for my drug trial monitoring, the quarterly visit that includes the neurologist. My to-do list seems exceedingly long this week and I am feeling all the things. Overwhelmed. Unmotivated. Distracted. Guilty. Stressed. That's the one that worries me the most...

I stayed up too late waiting for the guest room blanket to dry and cleaning the kitchen. Admittedly, this was after I watched the Daily Show, Colbert Report, and Covert Affairs. I listened to the Tonight Show while I was getting stuff done. And then Jimmy Fallon.

And too early, I was up. Well, Mick was up, took the dogs out and fed them. Usually I'm first up and taking care of the pups. His helper arrived. Okay already, I'm up, geez.

Mick had scheduled a meeting with our landscape project guy G and told me last night that G was ready for the next payment. It was short notice, IMO. I know Mick wants to get reward points available on my credit card, so I paid the balance early, but it won't go through till today. Of course, that took the checking account balance below the amount G wanted. And his credit card thing wasn't working. Do I really need this stress first thing in the morning? Have I mentioned that I am NOT a morning person?!

Mick also informed me last night that they want to plant the farm on Friday. So I need to go to the nursery to get seeds and plants. Pronto. Well, great, let's add that to my to-do list. 

This week's to-do list (not including a comparable number of work items):

I KNOW IT'S SIDEWAYS.

What stress? I'm actually kind of impressed how far I've gotten.

So after my commute, and being in the office less than two hours, (and spending about 20 minutes of that in the bathroom, dribble, wait, dribble, wait, rinse, repeat) I left for my drug trial update. I had to pee already so we got that out of the way. Then Dr. M put me through the usual tests. He asked about my balance and made me walk and turn several times. My balance isn't great but I don't remember it being noticeable before.

O_O

He also re-did some of the sensory tests on my hands and feet. Not surprising but kind of concerning.

Do. Not. Panic.

Side note. I don't know how, but the nail polish came off one of my toes yesterday. I tried this morning, in a hurry, to take the rest of my toe nail polish off but only the top layer came off. I guess I HAVE to go get a pedicure this time. So my toes looked all gross during my exam. And he does actually have to touch my feet, and although he was wearing gloves, I still felt bad. Is that a girl thing?

Anyway, when he was done, I went in the other room with L, my care coordinator, and almost immediately was boo-hooing. WTH. I think it scared me a little that he was asking about my balance, which I am mentally translating to my mobility, and who wants to lose their mobility? It's one of the things all us MS warriors worry about (and the doctors claim we have anxiety because we worry about our future...) I know that I can only control certain things and all the supportive things people say to me, but I. Hate. This. Fucking. Disease. It. Is. Fucked. Up.

L assured me my EDSS (or is it EDDS) hasn't changed, my MRI didn't show any change (not that I got those results, or did I am I forgetting--no, I didn't), and I'm doing fine. I do what I can for my health. Except that I don't. I mean, I do, but there is more. I should sleep quite a bit more. I still haven't started "strength training" for my low testosterone levels. And I feel guilty. And overwhelmed. And a little lost.

Then she took my vitals and said that maybe I'm feeling emotional because I have a little bit of a temperature, about 100.

O_O

Shit. I have a billion things to do but now the most important non-work item will be the one that is not on the list: get some sleep. More sleep. Always more sleep.

And I still have a club meeting tonight.