Paying to be tortured

There are things wrong with me. But you knew that. Let me start over.

There are things wrong with my body. I don't mean that in a "OMG, I'm so ugly or flawed" kind of way but in a "my body could work SO much better, couldn't it" kind of way. Cause even a young lady like Lorde will tell you that it's okay to be flawed.

Anyway, things hurt. And don't work quite right. And all that stuff. My right shoulder pops nearly constantly. My hips, mostly on the right but not always, get stiff and pop several times a day. My left eye is twitching and the eyelid feels pinched, and both eyes alternate between dryness and watering to the point I look like I'm crying. My fingers are numb-ish. My left foot and calf are numb-ish most of the time.

In case you are new here, I say numb-ish because the area doesn't feel normal, but I can also feel it. It's like a waiting zone in between feeling and not feeling. I gather it's an MS thing, but Dr. Q thinks it's a stress thing. Well, he kind of thinks everything is a stress thing. The coming and going nature of it makes it hard to disagree with him except that...MS.

Oh, MS, you bitch. Symptoms of MS come and go. I've been thinking about this recently...and I don't want to read up on it. At what point does remitting relapsing MS become one of the other more serious types of progressive MS? The reason I'm thinking about this is because my MS doctors seems completely unconcerned with my symptoms which used to come for short periods and then go away for long periods of time but now are more here than gone. With RRMS, you generally/mostly recover from each exacerbation before the next one. One of the types of progressive MS is a progressive worsening of symptoms over time with little recovery. At what point do I throw in the towel and say I am never going to get better from these symptoms?

So I know that is a total tangent...but it gives you an idea of the worries in my (holey) brain. And then Dr. Q tells me that I'm a thinker and that stress is why I'm having all these physical symptoms. I'm paraphrasing, but I'm pretty sure he just told me to stop thinking, worrying, and being myself. :)

Today's adjustments were so effing painful. My back (which was the least of my worries) was all messed up and it hurt like hell when he was adjusting it with his activator. (An activator looks like a play gun and makes a popping sound; he does not "rack and crack" me.) My back was so tender. It's amazing to me that I don't really notice that until we're trying to fix it.

He also did that finger on the side of my face pressure thingy that hurts like some kind of medieval torture. But my eye felt so much better when I left. So much better. This is why I pay for torture. I know it's not permanent, but it helps.