DRAFT TODAY, POST TOMORROW: Some posts may be in draft status until I (aka procrastinator extraordinaire) get around to posting them.

Monday, November 25, 2013

So gross

Dr H ordered tests for me that must be done with fecal samples. I'm pretty sure I've never had to do that before. Maybe I did but I blacked it out.
I had to get three different days within no more than seven days. I didn't want to do it at work. It's not so private.
And I had to poo into what was essentially a fast food tray, like you might get your chicken strips and fries in. (I know I just ruined strips and fries for you; you're welcome.) Then I had to put some in the vial, which had a "spoon" attached inside the lid.
Thursday morning, I had to poo before I left the house. I thought that was great since I'd have Saturday and Sunday for day 2 and 3.
Now, I'm sure that doesn't sound TOO bad. But now I have a hot dog tray of poo. I dump it into the toilet; now I have a shitty hot dog tray. I wrap it in a grocery bag and walk out to the trash bin.
Saturday I had my day 2 collection. Same procedure.
And then nothing on Sunday. Are you effing kidding?
So on Monday, I'm really hoping for the rare early pre-work poo. But no. So I get to do this at work and leave my shit bag in the trash bin in the bathroom. Ew.
So I'm in the stall when I realize that there are instructions for the 3 days but I was also given a cup for another test that I am supposed to do the last day. There aren't any instructions. It doesn't have the lid with a spoon and it looks like the cup I pee into at least every month so I take an educated guess and pee in the cup.
Wrong guess. I take everything to the lab and I am given a new cup. When I question how I'm supposed to poo in the cup (I know I'm not supposed to poo in the cup but seriously, you're giving me a pee cup for poo), I receive another fry tray. Um. Yay?
Since I'd already had diarrhea, I knew I wouldn't go again today.
Update: Lucky me, I went poo while I was at home Tuesday morning. I had the foresight to grab a plastic knife for scooping the poo into the cup. Ew. So gross.

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