My time is over committed

I went to the orthodontist to get my new retainer.  He wants me to wear it "all the time" but I don't think I can wear it all the time in professional settings.  I will be wearing it a lot more than I have had to wear it in quite a while.

I saw Dr. M for my quarterly appointment for monitoring.  I can never really tell how it goes, but I never really think it went well.  When we were done, N and I went to Sonora for my blood draw and she took my vitals.  Nothing too exciting.

I went to a Biltmore dinner which was a buffet.  The buffet was essentially deconstructed Caesar salad, pasta and risotto, and beef.  So I had lettuce with vinaigrette, and a glass of red wine.  Not a good dinner at all!

Revo

I cleaned out about three boxes of groceries from my pantry, things I can't eat and my husband doesn't.  A box went to his parents.  Then my friends, K and A, picked what they wanted.  I was left with a few things.  One was a box of high fiber pasta that a coworker gave me.  He seemed very surprised when I gave it back to him, and I think he didn't want it either.  I didn't tell him (but I think he knows I think this) that he shouldn't buy crap just because it's cheap, and then try to give it away.

Another coworker was going to get lunch at Revo so she picked up my lunch too.  Their gluten-free chicken rice bowl (brown rice) is pretty yummy.  I may have to make this one of my regular lunches.

Knock, knock. I'm coming to lunch.

courtesy the bloggess

Not only do I struggle with what is or is not MS, everyone around me does too. And if it's not the MS, it's my broken, fused back.

I've been dealing with some pain issues for years, but not anywhere near as long as my back has been broken.  I experience extreme pain along the spine, accompanied by (ahem...) digestive issues.  MS doctors told me the pain was not an MS issue--I just need to lose weight**; non-MS doctors said it was MS--definitely nerve pain.  **The pain started while I was skinny, after losing about 50-60 pounds. I think I had my first undiagnosed MS exacerbation around then as well.  Someone told me last week that they thought it was "just back pain."

A few years ago, I started cleaning up my diet--no aspartame, high fructose corn syrup, MSG, potassium acetate, or soda.  I eat organic when reasonable.  I am recently diagnosed with allergies or sensitivities to wheat, bakers yeast and egg whites.  In addition, I no longer eat soy due to my thyroid condition due to MS drugs.  (Yes, I do like to jump to conclusions.  What of it?)  While my gut is going through detox, I am also banned from red meat, coffee, and dairy.  I really, really hope the ban is temporary.

I can not overemphasize this: I LOVE FOOD.  One of my favorite TV stations is the Food Network.  I collect recipes.  I want to make great food for people I love.  I love food.

I don't think I am usually a high maintenance person.  But now, we go out, and I have to quiz the server.  And sometimes the chef.  And research the restaurant before I go, if possible.  So now, I am "that" person: no this, no that.  I'm sure I'm making mistakes, but I'm not going to starve to death.
 
My husband's family, in their words, "don't understand."  Huge disclaimer here: I love his parents and think the world of them.  Here's the thing, though: if you asked them, they probably think they eat healthy--but they don't.  They drink soda, don't read labels, eat all kinds of sugar-free and processed foods, but they do throw in some fruits and vegetables.
 
I was nervous about going to lunch at their house.  They asked what I can eat.  I think this is going to be a recurring theme.  I'm not going to recount the details of eating there, but I was asked if I can eat watermelon.  Or an apple.  Maybe I misunderstood the question...
 
I can eat chicken and fish and turkey and probably pork--high quality meats if possible--organic or wild caught I was told, as well as fruits, vegetables, rice, potatoes, beans, and seasonings and sauces that don't have any of the banned ingredients.  See, I won't starve to death!  But if you buy lots of processed foods, I do need to see the labels.  My definition of processed is anything in a package--my apologies to anyone who disagrees with my very broad interpretation.
 
When we got home and I needed to eat something to take my medicine, I had some of the leftover chili beans and brown rice from the other night.  I added some spicy salsa to it and that worked very well--no crying at all!

Wine is what's for dinner

I can't have anything I usually eat for breakfast.  So, I have 2 links of Applegate chicken and apple breakfast sausage.  And a few strawberries.  And I try making a cold green tea latte with almond milk.  Meh.  I feel like I'm going through the motions, just eating something so I can take my medications.

For lunch, I pick up a large gazpacho from Bertha's with a side salad.  They give me corn chips and balsamic dressing.  I eat a little of the chips with my soup and a little of the dressing with my salad.  I'm not sure if either is allowed.  I have a piece of chocolate my coworker bought for me.  It is good.  Not great, but it's good.  I'm okay with one square.

I smell popcorn.  It's not on my menu, something in the microwave popcorn that I don't eat anymore.  I have pistachios.  I haven't had them in a long time and they are really good.  A little addictive even.  Probably too much salt, but who cares.  I got them in the shells to slow me down.  What else do you want from me?

I bought ingredients for this sandwich my husband really wanted me to make for him.  We saw it on Sandwich King.  When we watched the show last weekend, I thought I could have everything but the bread.  I make the fig spread and assemble his sandwich to cook between two pans (panini style).  I eat some of the fontina (couldn't find fontinella) cheese with the fig spread.  Suddenly, I remember that I can't don't eat dairy anymore.  I've eaten a really, really nice (but small) snack of cheese and figs.  And now I have nothing to eat for dinner.  I'm crying.  I drink wine for dinner.  Is that bad?

I realize that I need some food so I can take my medications.  I have leftover rice with half a can of chili beans.  It needs something else but I just don't care anymore.  I eat it anyway.  My husband sees that I'm upset and tells me it will be okay.  He wants to know if I would feel better if he didn't like the sandwich.  I tell him no, then I wasted my time and neither of us had a decent meal.  He really liked the sandwich.  I know it was awesome.  For him.  I don't feel okay yet.

But we can have rice.

When I realized the end of the month was approaching, and I was told that I have a lot of vacation time left for this year, I decided to take today off work.  I had not taken care of my new license photo that had to be done by the end of August, so I needed to get that done.  It was top priority, so it could wait till the end of the day, right?  I already had an appointment scheduled with the naturopathic doctor and student, so I scheduled a trip to the orthodontist in Chandler, lunch with a friend, and a haircut, then to the DMV or whatever they're calling it these days.

I started the day with a fruit and yogurt smoothie.  I was running a little early, so I went to Dutch Brothers by ASU for a Kicker.  I noticed the students going to school and thought back to my ASU days--I remember being so relaxed.  I was stressed, but I was relaxed.  I don't remember--when did I lose that?

I went to the medical college and saw the student (mostly) and the doctor.  I don't know if I'll remember all the details but I did a lot of crying again.  I actually told Dr. H that I am generally a happy person (is that right?!) and she said she got that sense about me.  Here's what got me started.  I've been avoiding wheat, yeast, and eggs, as well as soy, for 2 weeks.  I've lost five pounds.  I still feel like shit.  Okay, I had a couple of moments where I thought I had more energy, but that is totally negated by the painful days I had to endure. And she tells me we have to get my GI tract working.  I need to avoid dairy because it is giving me inflammation.  And no coffee.  And no red meat.  Did you catch the one about dairy?!  I just had a smoothie made with milk and yogurt, and a latte.  I've been eating cheese, yogurt, and cottage cheese as my primary calorie sources for 2 weeks.  I just spent a bunch of money on groceries I can't eat.

What. the. fuck. am. I. supposed. to. eat?

I'm sorry, am I crying to much for you?  Do I seem emotional?  Is anything I ever do enough?  EVER???  Does there always have to be something else?  Does there have to be another shitty thing to deal with?

So they did acupuncture on me, putting needles in my legs and feet.  Because my GI tract is inflamed.  And left me alone to weep for a while.  I seriously hate my life.  I know I have awesome things in my life, but all I can think at that point, is that I. hate. my. fucking. life.

I feel totally out of control.  I have NO fucking control in my life.  And I have to kinda take whatever they say and do it because I have so much fucking pain that I just want to do anything.  Yes, I am that crazy desparate person who will take any snake oil or magic pill.  Just make it stop.

So the doctor added another pellet thing to my regime.  It's phosphorus, for that out of controlness I mentioned.  Actually, the bottle says Cough and Sore Throat.  I have to take 3 under the tongue daily.  They are kind of like bad pop rocks.  Yeah, pop rocks aren't on my diet.

I realized after the acupuncture that the clock wasn't working in the room (and I'm not wearing my watch since they keep feeling my pressure points or pulse or whatever they're doing.)  And I'm late for the orthodontist.  I call and get the okay to be there in a half hour.  I barely make it.  I'm the last appointment they see before they close for lunch.

The orthodontist says my top retainer is fine, although I need to wear it lower; the bottom retainer has to be replaced.  I get a mold taken and schedule an appointment for next week.  He wants me to wear my retainer all the time.  That makes me furiously happy, considering the day week I'm having so far.  I'm a 40 year old professional.  I'd love to wear my retainer all the time.  NOT.

Next, I meet my friend, J, at Kona Grill.  Between us, we are allergic to (or can't eat) just about everything.  But rice is okay, so we have sake.  I decide that sushi is back on the menu.  I haven't had an infusion in over a year and those jackasses never tell me anything about my test results unless I ask, so fuck it, I'm having spicy tuna rolls.  Even J seems a little thrown when she realized that most of the sushi menu has tempura (wheat) or cream cheese.  Plus I'm not eating soy.  I've never had sushi without soy sauce.  The waiter is patient and accommodating.  He brings us fish tacos, with the fish blackened instead of fried, and the tortillas on the side for J, and lettuce on the side for me to make lettuce wraps instead of tacos.  And a sauce that I can use for the tacos and the sushi.  It was good.

I stayed longer than I should have.  But she was the perfect person to see at that time.  She, probably more than anyone, understands me today.  But I was almost half an hour late to get my hair cut.  And I noticed while I was driving that my contacts are really unhappy about the crying.  I can barely see out of my left eye.  I get nervous that I will have to take an eye test at the DMV.  I tipped her a little extra.  I was just disappointed because she hurried since I was late, so it was not at all relaxing either.  And I was not feeling so great, getting some pain.  Probably from all that dairy this morning, right?

Next I headed to the DMV.  I still couldn't see well, and I was in quite a bit of pain when I arrived but it waned and I got my new photo taken and got my new driver's license.  My face looks (is) fat, but it's a good picture.

I thought about getting a pedicure before going home, but at this point, I'm mentally and physically beat up.  Whipped.  Tortured.  I came home to cry.  And take my contacts out.  I can't see clearly.  I just see how much my life sucks.

It's not working. And stuff.

I've been eating "allergen-free" for about two weeks.  I'm having a pain day.  This is my second or third during this timeframe.  It comes and goes.  My husband thinks Tuesdays are bad for me, but I was already headed in this direction Sunday night, Monday morning.  I'm pretty frustrated.  I have my second appointment with the naturopathic doctor tomorrow.  None too soon, I guess.  I have a glass of wine and a few tidbits of the day:

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I am below the 180 mark again!  Let's see if I can stay in the 170s for a while.

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Someone in my office mentioned Revo Burrito having a gluten-free menu.  I was planning to go to Safeway at lunch to look for figs, so I decided to go.  Their menu (link includes music--prepare to mute on the lower left) reminds us that the kitchen is not gluten-free, just certain menu items are expected to be.  I had the chicken fajita rice bowl.  O. M. G.  It was good.  And enough for lunch and dinner.  For some reason, they gave me flour tortillas on the side--those are not g/f, but the chips are.

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Someone in my office likes to "hide" his chocolate stash in my office.  I asked him to take it because I can't eat any of it.  (as compensation for storage of course.)  So he (and the new gal) has been on a mission to find chocolate without soy lecithin.  He found some at Whole Paycheck Foods.  I tried this one, just one square.  Um, yum!

I can cook

I wasn't feeling great earlier but I'm feeling okay now.  So I cooked chicken for dinner, with a sauce we picked up at Sunflower Market, and some brown jasmine rice.   I added water after pulling the chicken out, to make a saucier sauce.  I thought it was pretty good.  I have a half a jar left and my husband didn't really like it.  *sigh*