Totally. Freaking. Out.

I got the results of my allergy test.  I am allergic to: egg whites, wheat, and bakers yeast.  What?!  What do I even do with that information?  I think I'm in shock.  I'll be back.

****

Okay, I'm back.  I am so emotional right now, a lot of mixed emotions.  I cried during lunch with a friend, and every time I think about it, I want to keep crying.  For some reason, I didn't cry when I told my husband, but I want to cry all the rest of the time.

I feel overwhelmed.  I feel both undereducated and like I know a lot.  I feel hopeful that my pain will stop when I figure out what to eat and not eat.  I'm terrified that it won't make any difference.  I feel angry that I am just getting this information.  I feel annoyed by people who won't help me change, and a little annoyed at people who don't understand how difficult that change will be.  Or who don't understand at all (don't want to understand, IMO), but that's another matter.  I am grateful for the support I am receiving, as soon as I asked for it, even from those who don't know anything about it but they care.

Out of all this, I took action.  I called and made an appointment at the College of Naturopathic Medicine, to see Dr. H and a student tomorrow.  I will report back.

Is this my prelude to courage?

On Friday, I left work early (but not as early as my husband M would have liked--I had a meeting that ran an hour late) so we could pack and head up the mountain.  We got on the road before 6:30.  Apparently, that is about the time that a hay truck caught on fire, so I-17 was closed and there was no way around.  So we were delayed an hour and half or more.  M even took the dogs out to potty while we were parked on the freeway.  Once we got past that, our drive to Flagstaff was pretty uneventful.

We were at the RSVC hunting test on Saturday.  There was controlled burning so it was very smoky driving into the area, but it cleared up after a couple hours.  I walked the dogs down a wildlife trail for some exercise, but they also got to run in the field later.  We went to dinner with some of the club members.  One of them wanted to discuss my MS.  La Fonda was awesome and everyone seemed to like it.  Although I had 2 margaritas, I had a beer when we got back to the room while I was reading.

Sunday was beautiful.  I took the dogs for another walk.  I was annoyed later by a lady with a puppy; she was unaware that not all dogs like puppies.  We didn't have a problem but another dog snapped at the puppy, and then she still wasn't paying attention so I was rude and told her that if she was paying attention to her puppy, maybe it wouldn't be eating cow shit.  As the day progressed, I went to the porta potty several times to make a deposit.  I was feeling less well but trying to do all my coping techniques.  M drove out of the area and we switched just before we hit the downpour.  Since the truck was super dirty, it was a nice nature-made car wash.  By the time I was driving down the mountain, I knew the pain was going to get worse and there wasn't really anything I could do about it.

As we got close to Phoenix, I saw a sign that the 101 was closed westbound, so I thought I'd have to go to I-10.  And then I saw it.  The exit for the 303.  And I took it.  And I saw 3 cars for the whole section going west.  Traffic picked up on the southbound section, but it was a great detour for us.  We were excited to find this route.

Unfortunately, when we got home, I was in a lot of pain.  It came and went like it does so I helped unpack and get laundry started and cleaned the laundry room (where we had enclosed Jill so she wouldn't make messes throughout the house).  And then I gave in.

And then all day today, it was more pain.  Okay, it came and went, but when it came, it really wanted my attention.  I was crying and barely able to walk and in the bathroom, unable to pee, and just generally miserable.  The last hour of the day, a coworker noticed and the sympathy got me crying.  But when I was alone again, I was what I think of as depressed, for me.  I don't "get" suicide, but I certainly "wish I was dead" sometimes.  But more than that, I'm pissed off.  I'm mad.  I'm angry at my body.

Anyway, I made it home and remained in pain until late.  So I was completely unproductive.  Well, I did some reading, but otherwise, I did nothing on my list.  And I ran across this article that caught my eye a while ago.  The author says:

At my first session, after I’ve wept for an hour, my new therapist startles me with this pronouncement: “Depression is anger turned inward.” Later, a recently divorced girlfriend shares with me a quote by Eric Hoffer: “Anger is the prelude to courage.” I write this down in my journal and look at it, frequently. It strengthens something inside me, bit by bit.

Nhat Hanh explains that the mother holds the baby not only to comfort him but to divine the source of his pain. That, too, is our job when we experience anger: to hold ourselves and know where we’re hurt.


So I do what the PT instructed: be still; listen.  But I only hear pain.

Trial update

Today I had my blood taken at Sonora.  The technician told me she was going to stick me even though I told her not to tell me.  grrr.  N from Hope told me that next visit will include Dr. M, but I don't have to see Dr. G or do all the tests (peg, disappearing eye chart, and stuff) at Hope anymore.  Then she took my vitals and we were done.  Pretty quick and easy.

A new shiny doctor

I decided to tackle one of those items that keeps moving forward on my task list: find and see a new primary care physician.  I started on this a while ago, so I have a list started.  I call to schedule an appointment.  Since I am sick, they ask if I want to come in right away and see the nurse practitioner.  Yes, please.  I stayed home sick since I was unable to get a good night of sleep with all the coughing, and I'm still coughing.

I was on time (barely) and then waited a while to get in.  The aide (I don't know what her title was) took me into a room for vitals.  She seemed like a total ditz.  She didn't know what MS stood for.  Not a good sign.  I'm a little nervous.  She leaves and I wait a while.

The nurse practitioner arrives and spends quite a bit of time with me, discussing my current issues with the cold as well as my other medical issues.  My cold is still in the throat but she is concerned that it will spread so she prescribes a Zpack antibiotic, as well as Mucinex for the congestion and cough syrup.

As we discuss my current treatment for MS and thryoid condition, she is glad that I am having my Vitamin D monitored.  She suggests that I go to the College of Naturopathic Medicine as they will offer more options without taking away anything I am doing through conventional medicine.  She also has my blood taken and sent for an allergy test.  They will test for about 25 food allergens.  She suggests the CNM will probably do their own testing.

I thought it was a productive visit and I feel like I have been and am on the right path, but need to keep looking for solutions and improvement.  (And, I crossed "find PCP" off my master task list, and add "schedule CNM."  Neverending.) 

The good, the bad, and the coughing

I didn't want to go to work with this horrible cough, but I had an appointment in Scottsdale with the endocrinologist around lunch time.  I waited longer to get in than I was expecting, but I actually saw Dr. R, not one of the nurse practitioners.  I felt bad about having a huge coughing fit during our visit, but some water helped.  Kinda.

She asked me if I was waiting an hour to consume anything else after taking my Synthroid.  I told her usually yes, but sometimes it might be less time.  Apparently my tsh increased from 1 to 7 over about a six month period.  She wants to increase my Synthroid dose from 75 to 88, and maybe more after that.  She recommended I take it when I hit the snooze button or if I get up early to pee.

She also said that my Vitamin D was 66.  Since it should be over 50, I can decrease my dose to every other day.  My B12 and folic acid were good.

I left feeling drained.  I went home and did nothing. at. all.  This "cold" is getting me.

Confused much?

When I was about 19, I was living with a guy.  We had met while we were in high school, although he went to a different school.  He had never been with anyone else, and he suddenly had a rash on his manhood.  As he was diagnosed with herpes and it was discussed, I realized I had this recurring "rash" for as long as I can remember.  I found out through family that it was very likely I got it when I was a little girl.  I was devastated to find out that I gave this horrible thing to a guy I was so in love with.

When I had my second back surgery, I had the worst outbreak of this rash I have ever had.  It came all the way down onto my upper inner thighs.  I was still not officially diagnosed with herpes, but the doctor looked and said that's what it looked like.

I tried to get in to the gynecologist during an outbreak to get diagnosed but I was always too late.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a couple of sores and decided to get into the doctor asap.  I still had a sore when I went to the doctor, and she scraped it (ouch).  She said it looked like a herpes outbreak.  And then she said they could also take blood for testing in case the sore was too old.  Really?  Why scrape then?  She gave me a prescription and sent me on my way.  I took the prescription until my sores were gone, as directed.

My test results came back negative.  It was a recording, so I called to clarify.  The nurse said the blood test says I don't have herpes; she had no other information for me.  Like what is going on with my body.  I don't have herpes.  I haven't had it for the twenty years I thought I had it.  So WTF is wrong with me?  Is it possible the test is wrong?  Are we done?

I have a plan. Sorta, kinda.

I recently attended a seminar and have been modifying my planner (calendar, tasks, etc) system.  It's obviously still a work in progress--I wonder if it always will be a work in progress--but I do see that I made a dent in my to-do list, now my "master task list."  Unfortunately, I had to move a lot from last month to this month.

I also notice that I have a lot of recurring actions, so I am pondering a sticker or label system that might allow me to skip writing these items out every month, week, or day.  For example, every month, I need to create and send the VSWC newsletter; every week, I need to do weekly planning and bill paying; every day, I need to do daily planning and exercise.

When I have browsing time, I will look for calendar stickers and maybe downloadable pages that can be edited and printed.

I got a new phone recently, so I am able to see all of my calendars together finally.  I think I like it!