Cactus State AKC Agility Trial

 

Well, hello, sunshine!

The world is a mess, so many people I know are going through a mess, and you know, I'm always a mess. But...

I play this song a lot in the morning when I'm waking up (so slowly...)

I know it's been a while and I'm not even going to try to catch up. Here's where I'm at now.

I'm in school! I'm taking online classes to get a Masters so I can teach university. I also want to teach financial literacy to high school and adult learners, which doesn't require the MS but I am treating this time almost as a sabbatical, or a get my shit together time. I am still working but very, very part-time. I spend the majority of my time each week doing work for school, going to yoga or the gym, and taking care of the household and the pets.

This year (after "quitting" my job, a story for another time), I made my yoga practice a priority, and eventually a habit. I have added a day or two at the gym with a friend who needed someone to go with her. Last month, I did the Whole 30 with another friend--and this story could seriously take up so many blog posts--but the main idea is that I agreed to do it with her because I was feeling sugar-dependent. I didn't feel different while on the diet, but I did end up losing about 10 pounds. I couldn't tell in my clothes until afterward because I literally started and ended the month on my damn period. (Yeah, that ablation didn't do shit for me except make me want to die right then; fuck all the doctors who have not listened and won't let me get rid of these parts that are killing me every 3 1/2 weeks.)

Oh, where was I...so the yoga has really helped me in a lot of ways and I am continuing to make that time and money commitment.

I'm going to be adding some walking/hiking now that it is finally cooling off. I have this super cute walking partner.

Bennie the Weimaraner

He's so big and strong, I am having to use a prong collar but then he is such an angel. I feel like he's a bit behind in training because of a lot of things that happened this year when/since we got him, but things are getting back on track. We have to do this field thing for bird dogs called a ratings test before he is 16 months old, so we started training with a couple of groups for that. He learned to swim a few weeks ago.

He's also been to his first dog show and he had so much fun and he actually got his first couple of points. Y'all know I'm not ecstatic about showing but it's hard to get a pup without getting that requirement.

My puppy's name is Bennie. I named him after my dad--his middle name was Benton. My dad died last year, between the time my Cassi dog died at age 15 and my best friend Barb died--all three in a three month period. It was a shitty time for me. My birthday a couple months ago was the first birthday in YEARS that I didn't hear from my dad or Barb. It. Was. Weird.

So that's the quick update. I'll try to stop back by in the very near future!

Red Eyes

I've been seeing Dr. C, an eye specialist, for my nearly constantly watering irritated eyes. Today, he revisited the idea of Lipiflow ($750 out of pocket) in conjunction with another treatment (3 times at $350 each). I'm not even getting the spray he wanted me to use on my eyelids because my insurance doesn't cover it and it's about $700. But I'm considering it.

I think my medical bills are so high this year, I may be eligible for a federal tax deduction for the rest of what I spend at this point, so maybe this is the time. On the other hand, I don't have the money, so it's going to go on my credit card and have interest charged.

In the meantime, he mixed some standard eye drops with some type of glaucoma medicine that he said helps with the redness. It worked right away too. It won't make my eyes less irritated, but I won't look like I've been smoking. So there's that.

Also of note, since I hit my deductible, I am getting my Restasis for free from Costco. I got a 3 month supply and I'll get another right before the end of the year. I am trying to figure out how that works if I change insurance. My insurance rate goes up December 1, dental goes up January 1, and COBRA coverage ends March. So I'm in the market. I can't even hope for something better, just maybe not worse...

October update

I went to Series 7 class and passed that test like BAM. Let's not do that again though, mmm-kay?

My best friend's son had his wedding in Flagstaff. My friend B was feeling good for it and we had a fantastic time.

Yes, that is a Yoda fountain in SF.

M and I went to San Francisco with my cousin! We had a blast. My sister came with her husband for a day. My favorite was probably our drizzly walk in the forest. And I was reading A Sudden Light by Garth Stein on this trip without realizing the background. You should read it.

I had a lot of trouble finding food I could safely eat in this foodie city. I was hangry. I was treated shabbily. For real, had a waiter at an expensive restaurant tell me I shouldn't be trying to eat out on a Saturday night. We're only staying in places with kitchens from now on.

I did not leave my heart in SF.

I saw Garbage with my boys, M and B at the state fair. I love that Shirley!

At our hotel in SF :)

We went to an 80s party for Halloween with my cuz and my friend S and the guys. Fun times were had by all!

Phase Four

I'm in the Phase Four trial for Alemtuzamab (Lemtrada) now.

• 500 meter walk under 8 minutes
• Read second line from bottom, right eye, was not 20/20. Less able on left eye.
• EDSS: 2 at factor 2, several ones.
• No reflex in left knee, and he kept trying. Um, ow, cut it out, dude. There's no reflex--pounding on it won't make it happen.
• Abnormal reflex for bottom of feet but it was symmetrical so not an issue.

The visit took so long. SO LONG. I'm probably going to have to take vacation days for these visits. Definitely the next one--there's all of this plus the MRI.

September update

Oh, the things that happened this month:

• birthday party for my niece's daughter
• Labor Day swimming at my cousin's
• (always) Dr. Q
• webinar on natural treatments--mostly talking about mushrooms (I don't have time for more crazy #justsaying)
• endocrinologist appointment--she was not impressed with how quickly my primary doctor reduced my thyroid meds so she asked me to come back next month for new labs; I am currently taking 100 mcg of Levothyroxine (Synthroid)
• work dinner Olive and Ivy--pretty good, and accommodating
• went to Becketts Table and it wasn't as good as I remember, kind of weird actually; a small, tasty piece of salmon on a plate of carrots and a side of green beans after I was done eating.
• went to my niece's daughter's and son's birthday party at a park

cat in a bag - tongue out Tinker

sandwich on Bread SRSLY (a gift!) #giddy

sandwich on a Bread SRSLY roll #happiness

Sleeping Cassi--but I missed the photo contest deadline

Mmm, bacon--the low sodium has a shorter ingredient list.

Fruit!

Bacon, and bacon wrapped apricots #yum

No weird ingredients--a Costco find!

The tri-tip after cooking #nomnom

roasted asparagus

My major malfunction has been the eye doctor/glasses shopping. This seems like a short, simple process for most people. However, I:

• went to the eye doctor, got a glasses prescription, 
• went to Costco and found frames, had glasses and sunglasses made, 
• picked up new glasses and sunglasses, couldn't see but they said it was the prescription,
• went back to adjust (the ear piece was painful),
• went back to the eye doctor but they just had me see one of the technicians in the front and said it was probably the coating on the lenses (#WTF), 
• went back to Costco where they checked the prescription and sent the glasses back to be remade, but not the sunglasses, 
• picked those up and still couldn't see, 
• made and had an appointment with my friend's eye doctor at another Costco, got a new prescription, 
• got my glasses and sunglasses remade, picked up the glasses first,
• picked up the sunglasses and had the glasses in for an adjustment.

I got this style of sunglasses

I still need to take the sunglasses in for adjustment as one of the arms is too loose, but seriously, who else goes through this kind of crazy to cross ONE ITEM OFF MY LIST? I cope but I hate that this is my normal. An item on my to-do list took me two months to accomplish. I can't wait to do it again next year! #Ispeaksarcasm

Sad

The hardest part of divorce may be losing friends. Of course, some friends have loyalties to the one they knew first. I expected that, although most of his friends and family have kept me on social media. I expect this could be an issue at some point but I don't have a solution yet.

I was most surprised by friends I had, who were not really close friends, who stepped up, supported me and my decision, and really encouraged me to blossom and grow and thrive.

But I am most saddened by the friends I lost over the last year and a half. The ones I kept investing effort into after they started doing or saying shitty things. And then THEY (for the most part) decided we weren't friends anymore.

It makes me feel as though *I* was the shitty friend. But all I did was stand up for myself, or at least not let someone run all over me.

My loving friends remind me that some people have only seen me as this person who does what is expected and takes it, no matter what *it* is. And maybe some people can't be friends with someone who decides to actively pursue happiness. Because that is a person who is not going to put up with your bullshit.

Or maybe they just liked me when I could be miserable with them or entertain them with stories of how miserable my life was.

But each time, I realize that this person, who was my friend for X years, and was with me through certain times, this person has decided my friendship is not important to them. And I want to run after them and say, wait, I can make it work!

But they have already told me that I am not important to them. Through their uncaring petty comments, by missing dates with me, by only seeing me when I reach out--if it's convenient or they don't have better offers, by never inviting me or contacting me, by giving me their big news on social media, by deleting me as a friend from their social media. By supporting my ex, however subtly. My eyes are open; I see you and your actions. Or inactions.

I want to be that person who doesn't care. I don't care enough to be a doormat, or to be on call at someone's whim, for a friend, or to stay married to my ex and his parents. But I care. I understand how these people I loved feel about me.

I am not important.

August update

My friend S asked me if I wanted to go to see the Piano Guys. We had a small group and it was so fun; they are great to see live. If you have a chance, you should go!

I took and passed my Insurance licensing test. Whew.

M and I went to see the Gipsy Kings. They are amazing. The venue was not amazing. The seats are smaller than airplane seats. There was NO leg room.

My friend from high school and my ex-SIL B had a birthday dinner for me. My cousin got me some pretty flowers, and I also got tequila because you know, tequila.

My sister came to visit for my Grandma's birthday. Grandma is in her 90s, so it's a big deal. She's also been in bad health for a while, but she's hanging out and doing the best she can. My grandpa takes care of her for the most part. My sister and I had a good time with a couple of our cousins.

I had a doctor's appointment so I got a prize, I mean treat!

Nami donut (and dirty chai)

Just venting

I went to the eye clinic this morning. I was there for two hours. It was overwhelming and sucky; it was maybe beneficial. Tests were done. Treatment options and the huge cost to me were discussed. The plug was removed from a gland in my left eye but the one in the right was not removed.

I didn't fall apart till I left.

I. Am. So. Tired.

I'm tired of sleeping - not enough because I can't, or enough, or more than enough, and in all cases, still feeling bone weary exhausted.

I'm tired of appointments and tests and treatments with no real benefit.

I'm tired of spending So Much Fucking Money on my health.

I'm tired of making decisions about what to try next or what to skip altogether.

I'm tired of being a guinea pig.

I'm tired of doctors who don't know me after years of seeing me.

I'm tired of eating "right" and still fighting my digestive system.

I'm tired of thinking I should or could do more (I should do that diet and figure out what *else* I can't eat).

I'm tired of collecting diseases.

I'm tired of fighting but it's all I know.

#justventing #FML #MSwarrior #MSismybitch #Iamenough #NoOneTalksAboutGravesDisease #lostmythyroidhaveyouseenit #MSsucksballs #autocorrecthatesfucking #butIlookgood #outofspoons #allergicgirl

Phase 4 trial

I still haven't gotten my last check from the Phase 3 trial but here we are, on to Phase 4. It's at Barrow's, and it took a little finding. No tests were really done today, just a review of my file. It appears I cannot change my initials to match my name but otherwise, pretty uneventful. And I only have to go every six months!

Last Phase 3 visit

It seems I'm doing pretty good overall. My EDSS was 2.5 and I did the 500 meter walk in 9 minutes. I'm done with the Phase 3 trial and moving on to the Phase 4 trial, which is done at Barrow's, so my contact will change, as well as the location, and I'm sure some other relevant things.

I'm not sad about that change, since I'm having trouble getting my contact information updated and the piddly payments I'm supposed to get are sporadically given to me. That may seem minor but I get TAXED on that shit! So of course, she did not have my check today. She's going to send it. Probably to the wrong address since I can't get her to update it. It's always something...

Break

I realize I have been MIA. I have posted once this year. And that was only a Bible verse. I have a LOT of drafts and photos that may never be posted. The perfectionist in me is not happy about this. At. All. But.

But. Oh, where to start...

My posts became more infrequent and less personal last year as I started changing my story. See, I'm a good southern girl. Marriage is forever; you only leave if he's hitting you or cheating on you. You don't leave for all the other reasons that eventually make you feel less yourself, unimportant, stressed out, out of control, and hopeless. With some help from my sister and a few patient friends who didn't tell me what to do but let me know all the important things that eventually seeped in, I changed my story.

They told me:

My happiness is as important as his. I deserve to be happy. I am worthy. I need to choose me. Love yourself. It's okay to be divorced.

Ooh, deep breath. That last one...it was hard but my sister asked how I felt about her being divorced and then why it was okay for her but not me. Damn, girl. That was what I needed to hear.

But it took me some time. I thought I could make it work. He didn't want to go to counseling. PEOPLE! If your girl or guy asks you about counseling, something is wrong. GO!

I started the new year with bronchitis. I was so sick of being sick. I was tired of getting help that wasn't helpful. I was tired of redacting my blog posts to not offend potential readers who know me IRL. I was tired of relying on my friends for support my spouse did not want to give. I was tired of his jealousy of my friends who were just trying to be there for me as I fell apart.

I decided I would make my number one priority this year my health. I would ask myself "does this support or improve my health?" I wanted to be intentional about focusing on what I could control and (trying to) let the rest go.

Focus via the Behavior Gap

There was an argument. I told him I didn't feel safe in my kitchen due to the "help" I was getting from a family member. He assured me it was my kitchen; I should feel safe. But my food allergies weren't taken seriously. A few days later...

The last straw. Some people who get my allergy issues understand this was indicative of the relationship; others only see this as the last straw. I see it as both. He cut some Velveeta, which of course I can't eat, then wiped the knife on the towel hanging on the front of the sink. The one I use for my hands. And dishes.

I questioned him and he said I should assume the towels are contaminated. Um, then I should NOT feel safe in "my" kitchen. I realized HE was an obstacle to my health.

And I was done. I started looking for a rental. Someone pressured me into scheduling counseling, even if I had to go alone. When I told him, he tried to argue that we didn't need it. He decided to go when I told him we might not need it but I'm moving out.

So he went with me.

It was enlightening. He finally heard me. He said several things that opened my eyes that we were living his life and his dreams and he ignored the things I said, the things I let him know were important, and the things I needed. And it had been this way since our first date. No wonder I was so miserable. (Don't get me wrong--there was a time we were happy. And THAT makes me the saddest of all.)

I moved out. We hired a mediator. (I hate her; don't ask for a recommendation.) He decided to take an out of state transfer for work. (His job wasn't staying here.) We sold our house--his dream house, this overwhelming weight dragging me down. We split the dogs and the stuff, with the only real debate coming from my desire to keep our piano.

While I was looking at how to improve my health, some things happened at work that concerned me. I thought I would tackle getting a new job next year but several opportunities came up and I started a new job.

I'm currently in the process of buying a house; my rental is going to be sold soon so it is time to find my permanent place.

I have worked so hard this year to take this picture of what I want my life to be and make it my reality. I'm creating my bubble.

I will share a little of my bubble with you.

Of good courage

Your verse is:

Deu 31:6

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Infused tequila

The infused vodka (strawberries and vanilla beans in a potato vodka) came out so good that I decided to try a sweet and spicy tequila. I used Hornitos with (unfortunately, frozen) strawberries and (from our garden!) jalepenos.

Infusing

I wouldn't drink it straight like the vodka but it would *probably* be okay in margaritas or something.

Thunderbird Cholla Trail

We're making the rounds of some different hiking trails. I liked this cactus surrounded by other cacti.

Pineapple Thai chicken

I bought this sauce at the farmer's market. I like all the ingredients except some "natural" stevia.I made it with some chicken and zucchini and rice. It wasn't bad. I would probably eat it or something like it again but I don't think I'd go out of my way to buy the sauce.

Supine

I can't get up. There's a dog pinning me down. I got a lot done today but now I'm exhausted.

"Lying down is a perfectly good position to be in. I quite recommend it."

Last trial visit of 2014

I got matching bandaids for my arms. Lan rarely (I think maybe never) misses but today...well, right, then left. And they both hurt. Not terribly; I didn't cry, but it hurt.

On the eye exam, I got to Line 10 for the right eye but only Line 8 for the left eye. It was so blurry and there was a red line between 8 and 9 that was superimposed on line 9 when he asked me to read it. I. Just. Couldn't. It kind of made me want to fucking bust out crying. Of course, that's not going to help my vision!

Sensation all seemed good. He had me count backwards from 100 while testing my reflexes, since I barely have any. He said I have abdominal reflexes, which most people don't. See, I have it all!

The 500 meter walk took 9 minutes and I think he said my EDDS is 2.5.

Mint chocolate

Although it has some stevia, I decided to try this lovely idea: mint chocolate coconut milk. Hmm. It was...good, chocolatey, a little mint, thick like coconut milk but not as much as egg nog which I thought it was originally. The only issue that I can't get past is the aftertaste due to the stevia. I drank it but I don't think I'd buy it again.

Classy

Hrm.

You are a:

Classy Wife

You are truly a class act. Both inside and out, you are amazingly beautiful. You have an undeniably jovial nature that always gives off radiant happiness wherever you go. You are a perfect treat that always stays delightful no matter how much time passes by. And believe it or not, you have some of the most contagious smiles. Your significant other must be incredibly grateful for you!